I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
