Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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