LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
