Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just found puke in my bra..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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