is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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