You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I checked into jail on foursquare
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
