I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
