i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
