We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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