I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
