Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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