I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
