he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
