i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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