I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
