What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize