where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
