He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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