meet me or not, i'm out of control
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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