Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
