apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize