I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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