Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
