Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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