watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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