i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
