We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
