Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
