Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
