This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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