i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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