does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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