and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
