Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
