Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
