ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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