Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
