when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Randomize
