why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
