After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
