Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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