i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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