His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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