Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
