Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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