All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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