Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
