youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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