totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
