This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
