I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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