The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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