Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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