totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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