cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
