I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
